This question was a topic suggestion for today from The Daily Post.
After writing this I feel that maybe I should begin this with a word of caution that this is darker than my usual posts. So you might want to skip it if you’re not in the mood for that sort of thing. I apologize in advance for the somber mood, it’s been a rough day.
What do I miss?
I miss so many things.
But today…
today I miss this spot.
In that photo, is the edge of the big rock at the top of the mountain. My favorite spot to go and sit.
These days the closest I can get is a crummy photograph shot with a long lens.
I miss walking there, all my life.
I miss the clippers that I kept in the back pocket of my jeans, to help fight my way through the little section of briers on the way to the top.
I miss my well-worn trail up the side of the mountain, that I could find, even in the deepest leaves.
I miss how the climb got vertical right before the top and I had to pull myself up using the trees.
I miss sitting there, in my favorite spot. My little place to get away from it all.
It always felt quiet up there. Even if you could hear something in the distance, it didn’t matter, because it was in the distance.
Every cluttered thought drifted away, and I could just be.
I miss the many loyal dogs that followed me up that path over the years and sat by my side at the top of the rock.
I miss sitting there, on a fall day like today. Feeling the sun on my skin, the warmth of the rock, my fingers running through my loyal dog’s fur.
Dogs aren’t like people. They don’t need to talk. They can just be.
With a dog you can have all the benefits of being alone to think, and none of the loneliness.
I miss walking back along the ridge line, and the little dip in the ground where the sunlight always came through, even when the thick leaves of summer cast shade on everything else. I miss that little dip, where the may-apples grew.
On days like today I wonder, is my path is still there, buried in the leaves? Or in time has it become part of the slope again. I know it is now covered with fallen trees from a previous storm. That much I can see from below. I wonder if the briers have taken over, since I haven’t been there to beat them back.
I can close my eyes and remember it all so clearly. I miss it all so much.
More than anything else about that spot,
I miss believing I’ll get back there someday.
Now it seems too silly to even hope for.
So that’s what I miss today. I miss my favorite quiet spot and I miss the hope I used to have that I’d sit there again someday.
The world tries to teach you that if you hope for something enough and work hard enough that you’ll get what you hope for. Sadly that isn’t always true.
Sometimes it’s true, sometimes it’s not.
But I can still go there in my mind.
I don’t know what to say to yearning like that. I’ll try.
As long as you have those memories in your heart, you will never entirely be lost to that spot. When I miss something, I dream about it endlessly until I realize what I gained from the missing something and what I learned to do for myself.
I had many spots like that. Initially I didn’t lose them by incapacity but by moving away dozens of times until I started being afraid of having special spots because my folks were always on the move.
One day, some time later, someone said to me, find that special spot inside you, the peacefuly joyful spot that no one can reach. You can see/feel it as a pond or a lake or a sea and you can float on this water and feel all your troubles wash away. In this spot you are whole, free, loving and loved. And I was…in my spot. With some practice, I could stay in my spot and meditate and come close to God and the angels. It was beautiful.
Perhaps you could use that spot on the mountainside as your special inside spot and start healing all the hurt you feel by staying in your spot and meditating with the angels.
I’m sorry you went through that. I think one of the greatest blessings in my life was getting to grow up here, and stay.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I think that is lovely advice.
Well I am speechless, you definitely have created a beautiful visual in my mind. The frustration you feel must be enormous. I am saddened by that, there is nothing worse than being inhibited by health. I hope that one day you will get there again and though you might have lost hope, I will hope for you or with you.
Hi Deb,
Well, first I must say that since I haven’t been commenting on blogs lately, due to being fatigued and/or otherwise engaged, this post seemed quite appropriate for me. A part of me is like a sadness warrior, fighting for the right to feel emotions other than joy. So when I saw you apologize for your post, this part of me rose up and had to come visit.
I love your memory and totally understand how it feels. I too had my favorite spot. By Little Wilson Creek in North Carolina. Mine is surely traveled though, but I would get off the path and venture into the woods a little. Woods full of trees with funky branches, each one reaching for a piece of the sun’s light.
And, harder than not being able to go there, is surely the notion that I may never be able to go up that high on the mountain again. It is very sad.
Lately, this sadness warrior in me has been rising. It speaks not only for sadness, but for grief, and just about any feeling, experience or emotion that we usually associate with the dark side of life and living.
I believe there is a balance, although I can’t say I’ve made it to that place in my mind. I still believe it.
The Yin and Yang. Darkness and Light. Sound and Silence. I don’t think we can have one without the other.
With the days ending early, letting us know Winter is on the way, it seems natural to reflect and, like the trees losing their beautiful leaves, there will be new growth in springtime.
Maybe you will find another spot! Maybe I will too. Perhaps we should look towards the ocean, with all that flat land to explore.
Wishing you Peace and Blessings,
Michelle.